I wrote this entry back in October 2022 right before our daughter Alaina was born. Then life took over, so my intentions to share my experience of becoming a new parent never came out the way I’d hoped it would. In this article and the next you will see why.
Now that time has passed and so much has changed, I’ve read back on these drafts and feel they are pertinent to my journey. Therefore I’ve decided to share them. The following was written two years ago in real time. The color photos were taken with my iPhone and the B&W were taken on film.
I used to write personal blogs when I first started this website. It was almost like a photo journal, and it felt good to share with people who may be experiencing similar things as myself. However lately I’ve had a hard time doing that. I haven’t been able to share and write the way I used to. Don’t get me wrong, I know I still tell you guys what’s going on in my life, just not with the same candor as before. However, I would like to get back to that, for my own sake and just to connect with you all again. Of course it will all be done through photography as well.
Feeling the Pressure
We have a baby coming any day now and I feel enormous pressure on my shoulders. Pressure to be a better parent than what I had, pressure to be healthy and fit so she won’t lose a parent young like I did. The pressure to suddenly know all there is to know in order to give her a fair shot at a good life. All this pressure, you may imagine, has been weighing on me and it’s finally taken its toll on my stomach and on my back. The pain has been so debilitating that I’ve been going to my chiropractor twice a week. (In fact I was there hours before Kelsey went into labor, but I won’t jump ahead.)
I’m almost certain all of you parents out there reading this will probably tell me these feelings are normal, and I know these pressures are something I will always feel and never quite fulfill as a parent and human being. As comforting as that may sound, in the moment it is the opposite.
Then We Got Married
Kelsey and I have been together since 2012 and were friends for years before that, so it wasn’t a shock to anyone when we finally got married.
We waited for the right time for us financially to do so, which we decided was 4 months before Kelsey gave birth! Talk about added pressure! I think this is when it all started to become very real for me. A lot changed overnight and the baby hadn’t even come yet. Since I am the non-carrying parent, I have to legally adopt my own child according to the law. We decided we wanted to be married before we did that.
Cracking Under Pressure
For the past nine months I’ve had my mind set on working out and getting stronger as much as my body would allow. I’ve been terrified that I won’t be able to physically hold the baby.
You see, my father had a bad back and heart disease, so he couldn’t carry me. He really couldn’t do much with me. He passed away when I was only 11 years old, and I don’t want that for Alaina. But the more I try to get in shape the more I end up in bed. It’s felt like the more I push the more my body retaliates.
As I write this I’ve been stuck in bed for a month now. Two weeks with a stomach issue and now another two with a very hurt back. I had to be put on steroids just so I could walk without crying out. How did my plan go so wrong? The longer I stay in bed the more my body weakens, the opposite of what I want to happen.
I try to be a strong partner to Kelsey. I don’t want to be a burden or put undue stress on her, especially while she’s pregnant. I just don’t know how to get my body to follow my mind.
We did our own maternity photos, and I could barely stand up. Shaking and in my pajamas, I managed to get some really nice photos of Kelsey in the nursery using my Canon R5. Honestly, it has all been a blur for me.
Missing the Beauty of the Journey
It’s me from the present again. As you can see I was really feeling the pressure at that point and it was affecting my body. In fact I wrote the above paragraphs at 3am wired on Prednisone for my back inflammation.
Being in a same-sex relationship and starting a family isn’t really all that different from anyone else accept for me it really was. I’ve been in this unique position as a woman to not be the one physically having the baby, but also to not be considered the father. Therefore, neither of the typical stereotypes we put on each parental roll fit me. At times this made me feel really alone and out of place.
However, even though I am not Alaina’s father, I am her other parent and this left me feeling all of the things that the parent in the fatherly roll usually feels. I felt all of the pressure to provide and to be there for my wife and it certainly got to me both physically and mentally. This really is unfortunate because I wasn’t able to enjoy the beautiful parts of the journey.
You see, while I couldn’t help what was happening to me physically, I wish I could have had the foresight to take it all in. Hind sight is 20/20 and I had no idea how much my life was really going to change overnight. If I had I would have cherished the many long car rides to the doctor with Kelsey. The journey to becoming pregnant up until the last chiropractor visit was all something that only Kelsey and I experienced together and I think that makes all the pain and pressure just a side affect of something so unique and beautiful that now I can always remember it in that light.
Final Thoughts
All you parents out there let me know how you felt during that time. Did you feel any pressure on your shoulders? My only regret is that I didn’t share this in real time because I’ll bet I could have had a lot of comfort from hearing all of your lived experiences. Let me know in the comments what they were. I always love to chat with you all.
Stay tuned for the next part of this story, the night Alaina arrived. The best part.
Until next time, stay motivated and keep shooting.
I’m a cat parent but I still love reading you. Blessings to both of you. And amazing photos.
I am also a cat parent so I appreciate you lol thank you so much 🙏
Aly, thank you for sharing all that. The journey to parenthood is full of uncertainties and anxieties that go hand-in-hand with the anticipation, even for traditional couples who don’t have any physical encumbrances. I can tell you that as a traditional father, I spent a fair amount of the 9 months leading up to the birth of my eldest rhetorically asking myself – and sometimes my wife – what I had gotten myself into. But at the same time, as a man, I was socialized to be a problem solver, to figure out what needs to be done and then go do it. I had no frame of reference for what my wife experienced during the pregnancy, but knew I had to be there for her, and I just did my best. I also decided early that since I had gone ahead and committed myself to becoming a father, I was going to be the best father I could possibly be. So, I read “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” and “What to Expect the First Year”, as those seemed to be my best resources for preparing myself. I also attended childbirth classes with my wife. But as I discovered when the blessed event occurred, neither mothers’ bodies nor babies read manuals or follow rules, and there’s a lot they don’t tell you in the books and classes. One way or another, you learn to think on your feet and trust your gut. There are times when all a parent can do is deal with whatever hand life has dealt in the moment. A good parent quickly learns to make the best lemonade you can when life deals you lemons. For the last 30 years (and counting), that’s what I’ve done. It sounds like you’re doing a pretty good job of it, too, and you have my respect and admiration. Because unlike you, I had two parents who were with me until fairly recently, and no shortage of excellent role models in addition to them. It sounds to me like you and Kelsey have had to shoulder a lot more, and had many more physical challenges, with only each other to lean on. That’s a lot harder than my parenting adventure. But if the photos you’ve shared of your awesome little Alaina are anything to go by, it looks like you and Kelsey are doing a wonderful job of raising her so far. She looks healthy, happy and inquisitive, and that’s exactly what she should be.
Thank you for this! You’re right, Kelsey and I have definitely been mostly in our own through this. Her family lives across the country and only have my mom’s help. I’m glad to hear that it really is just about doing your best with what you’re given because there can be an enormous amount of pressure put on parents to do everything a certain way or else it’s detrimental to the child that can be so daunting. It doesn’t give me your name, it says you are anonymous so I can’t thank you properly, but I do thank you for this comment and will save it to look back on when I feel like I just can’t do it anymore.
Apparently, the system doesn’t recognize me even though it no longer seems to ask me to log in. It’s Mark from Chicago. We’ve corresponded a few times via email, and I’ve bought you film once or twice and sent you a couple of photography-related things.
Yes, society, and, especially, the Internet (‘net-i-zens?) seem to have all sorts of unfunded expectations and unsolicited advice for parents, especially new moms. (Dads aren’t immune; we just get it differently. Mostly we’re just presumed to be incompetent parents until we prove ourselves. After we do that, we’re considered incorrigibly incompetent and mostly ignored until somebody needs something of us.) As I’m sure you’ve already figured out, you can safely ignore pretty much all of it. Children are programmed to bond, explore, learn and grow, and they’re very resilient. As long as you don’t abuse or neglect them, they will thrive on the love you show them. Let your doctor and trusted sources that you choose be our guides on the health and safety, and your daughter will be fine.
I thought it was you Mark! You always give great advice. Yes I’ve definitely seen the way the fatherly role is treated as inferior and I’ve said many times now that I feel for dads because it’s assumed that not being the birthing parent makes you somehow useless or un attached to the baby.