I’m now 6 month into this horrible flare-up, and everything has just really wreaked havoc on my self esteem and my hope for my future. I find myself wondering how many times will I have to fight a flareup in my lifetime? How long will my lifetime even be with this kind of struggle? Worst of all I feel myself losing that spark for photography. Part of it is from the pressure I put on myself to make videos for my YouTube channel because I want so badly for it to be successful after all these years. The other part is just a loss of confidence in my ability to create.
I see my daughter being creative and using her imagination, and I remember that part of myself that used to make videos when I was 11 years old after buying myself a camcorder. That part of myself that I know if I had access to something like YouTube back then I would’ve absolutely loved making videos. How can I get that back in the midst of all this stress and sickness?
Racing Against Time
Now I’m 38. My life has taken some insane twists and turns that I would never ever have imagined. In between the rollercoasters I’ve tried to follow my dreams and stay creative, but I have just constantly had a ticking clock over my head telling me I’m running out of time. That clock showed up after my father died when I was 11 and has never left me. I don’t know how to make it disappear or to make it work in my favor. So I become paralyzed and find it harder to create and express myself.
Every time try to sit down to film a video for my channel, I just can’t do it. I have so many videos in my queue to create, but there’s just something blocking me.
Canon FTb with Kentmere Pan 400 at 800 film
Beating a Creative Slump
So how do I keep doing what I love to do despite all the negativity weighing me down? Lately I have been trying a few things:
- Giving myself some grace – I’m going through hell right now – maybe give yourself some time.
- My motto this year has been “One day at a time, one thing at a time.” That is why I have been only shooting with one camera per month.
- Just do it. I’ve just been taking pictures with digital cameras, instant cameras, and my film camera of the month. Even if it doesn’t feel special or feel like “art” the practice is all that matters.
- Reading photo books has been something I’ve always enjoyed. They’re mostly inspiring, but sometimes it can have the opposite effect and make me feel like I’m more behind in my accomplishments, and that’s ok. Fighting that voice isn’t always going to be easy.
Life Lately
That’s what I’ve been battling lately. As far as my flare-up, Ive had to get iron infusions recently. That was a nightmare I won’t get into. If you follow me on instagram, I share more there. My health is improving very slowly but it is at least improving.
Other than that, being a stay at home mom takes up most of my time and it its quite the whirlwind. Alaina is the joy of my life and I am so blessed to have her.
Final Thoughts
Thanks for reading this far! I hope this update wasn’t too much of a bummer and that you can gain something from it. I like to treat this series as a journal to look back on. Especially since I started this blog 5 years ago during my last flare-up. It has always been cathartic to be able to look back and see how far I’ve come with my photography and with my life in general.
I’m going to keep trying to get out of this slump and get some videos going on my channel again. I NEED so badly to get back to what I love. Until then I will just keep fighting.
Let me know how you’re doing. What do you do when you find yourself in a creative slump? I love hearing from you all. As always stay motivated and keep shooting!
My last post failed. A test
great job, those Tx 400 black and white photos are fantastic, a very contrasty vintage look; highlights are warm to hot, but well used, it suits the shots they are in, and to get those ‘movement’ shots of your Daughter, in the ‘slump’ you are in, that shows proof you still have a good spark in you, you just express the photos slower, and… perhaps thats a good thing?, to think, and expose purposefully, to use the qualities of the film to best advantage, when you pick up the camera, you use it well, a few shots, but shots none the less.
Thank you. The action shots are my favorites.
Have had just had a minor stroke,this has shaken my confident in my health, especially mental. And brought on my stump. To deal with that I have been work through a mind excercise of images I want to creative. I’m trying to push myself into abstract images and an impression approach. This is so far from my normal approach which has been technical exact precision that I feel the freedom allows me to press the button again.
That’s awesome that you’ve been able to come up with something creative to do despite your health working against you. I’m sending you lots of love and good energy.
Thanks Ally, we all have hurdles, I’m in a creative slump myself, in Australia at the moment Summer has hit hard (hot days of 25-38Deg. Celsius) and as such its impossible to take my MF hasselblads and sinar F2 LF camera out of the house 🙁 ; but… Autumn is coming, and the cooler weather, with the greens going to brown and reds in leaves, so something to look forward to, to get the gear out, and shoot.
I know what you mean. We are heading into our hot weather here in Florida. I’m dreading it with all the storms and hurricanes. I’m hoping to start doing still life photos again indoors.
I need to share my mantra with you. It helped me in a similar time.
“I am enough,
I have enough,
I do enough,
I am a precious child of God
and I am loved.”
Thank you. I will save that
Keep it up, keep taking pictures and keep on writing, wish you the best.
Thank you