Loss and Reflection – January 2025

The New Year, for most, is a time for renewal and second chances – wiping slates clean and starting over. People start with resolutions and a positive outlook that they’ve essentially been given permission to do what they could really do at any point in the year, write a new chapter in their life.

2024 was very unkind to me. If you’ve been reading my articles for the past few months you’ll know that my health suddenly went downhill last July, and then landed me in the hospital by October. My life was stopped abruptly and all plans, travel, baby #2 and otherwise, were all suddenly thrown to the side.

Now I suddenly have to use a wheelchair, and sleep in a hospital bed away from my wife. Physical therapy, doctor’s appointments, and countless phone calls with medical professionals suddenly fill my days where workouts and shopping trips once occupied my time.

My mom has had to put her life on hold to come and help me take care of my daughter while my wife is at work.

Then Christmas season came. A time my wife and I look forward to every year. We thought it would be something nice to distract us from our current craziness, but then my brother passed away the early morning before Christmas.

Reflection and Loss

I woke up that morning, Monday December 23rd at 3:30 am, and looking at the clock I thought to myself, “Is he gone? Is that why I’m awake?” He died at 4am.

My brother Mikey, as I called him, was a funny and kind man. He worked really hard and took pride in his home. I remember going with him when he bought it. He and I were very close back then. We were the single siblings in the family, so we’d swap dating advice and watch baseball together. We even had sleepovers, and when he had cancer I went to every single appointment with him. The nurse said I was like his pit bull guarding him.

However, life goes on. Things happen. People came and went in our lives and relationships fluctuate. My brother changed over the years in my eyes, and we were no longer as close as we once were. He had a surgery for cancer again, called the Whipple Procedure, and he suffered for over two years never recovering.

He chose not to have me in his life through that horrible time. That doesn’t change the hurt I feel in my heart at the loss of him from this world.

Trying to Cope – New Goals

I’ve had a hard time figuring out how to navigate my feelings of anger and hurt with the concurrent crushing symptoms of grief.

Not to mention on top of all of that, I am still dealing with symptoms from my Crohn’s Disease flare-up and side effects of the Prednisone. One of which is to wake me up at random hours of the early morning.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not here to complain to you dear reader. As an artist, creative, photographer, I am deeply in tune with my feelings of sadness and grief. I’ve had a lot of it over the 38 years of my life (my birthday just passed on Jan. 6th) and it has always appeared in my work whether I meant it to or not.

I’ve noticed themes of emptiness, loneliness, and struggle in a lot of my work, especially during times like this. This time is no different. Therefore I felt it was relevant to share all of this with you.

Moving Forward – New Goals

As I try to move forward into this new year, I obviously am carrying a lot on my shoulders. I need an outlet for it all and photography is just that.

I don’t do resolutions, but I do like to set goals and themes at the start of the year. This year my theme is focus and the goal is to focus more on one thing at a time. One project, one camera, and one day at a time.

Each month I will be shooting with one camera, that will likely end in a review. Other things I hope to focus on are getting through my backlog of film needing to be developed. Mike Eckman was kind enough to develop several rolls, included here, of black and white film for me while I was unable to do it myself for a while. I also hope to focus on my zines and projects. I’m currently hoping to put out a zine or photobook of my still life photography.

Starting the Year

For the month of January, the first camera in my goal is the Voigtlander Bessa R2-C that Mike E. lent me to review. So far this camera has been a joy to use and I can’t wait to share my thoughts with you all.

We’ve been having a lot of really beautiful days as far as the weather goes here in Florida. I live for the cold fronts that come through, and I’ve tried to spend each of those days enjoying my family and getting outside with some film.

I’ve made progress with my strength, and haven’t needed my cane around the house. I still need a wheelchair when we go out because the pain in my legs becomes unbearable, but progress is all that matters.

Final thoughts

Through any battle it’s extremely important to have something to look forward to. Hope is the antidote for all types of grief. I hope to fill the next year with excitement for each camera of the month. I look forward to sharing those results and reviews with you all, and I hope you will enjoy what I have to share.

Until then, stay motivated and keep shooting.

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