I wrote this article in real time in 2022 to document my experience of becoming a first time mom through film and writing, but so many things happened that I never ended up actually sharing them. Now that I have time, I am able to finally share my experience from the night our baby came. The following photos in black and white are all film and the color photos were shot with my iPhone and Canon R5.
The Very Painful Lead-Up
It’s been a little while since I’ve been able to post anything here. Things have been really crazy now that our baby girl has come, and it was equally as hectic before. I was in bed for over a month, first with a stomach issue that knocked me on my butt for two weeks straight. Then I hurt my back moving lawn furniture before Hurricane Ian made it our way and putting together the nursery alone.
The back pain was so bad I couldn’t walk without crying so I asked the doctor to put me on a steroid pack just to get me back on my feet. At that point I was panicking because Kelsey was overdue.
It was as if either the baby or Kelsey willed the baby to stay put so that I would be able to be at the birth, because our due date had come and gone and the doctor scheduled Kelsey to be induced a week out. Before that we had a non-stress test at the hospital to make sure baby was ok. This gave me a preview of what I would experience on my feet and it wasn’t good.
By the end of the appointment I was physically and mentally in pain. My back was so bad I squirmed in the car all the way home. Mentally the hospital setting had triggered my PTSD. All of this together had me panicking because I was so afraid I wouldn’t make it through the baby’s birth. It was comforting though to know I had at least another week to rest before we were going to be induced.
The Baby is Coming!
Well, that never happened. The next night Kelseys water broke. We rushed to get everything together and get to the hospital. Once we got to the triage room on the maternity floor, I started to worry. Kelsey wasn’t dilated or contracting and the only thing in the tiny room was a horrible wooden chair for me to sit on. I couldn’t even get them to give me a pillow to sit on. I was so embarrassed because I wanted to be strong for Kelsey and here I was in distress more than my wife who was in labor. I hid it though and a higher power must’ve been helping. The nurse said there was one delivery room left and I was so happy to see it had a fold down couch for me.
Now you’re probably thinking this sounds so silly because I wasn’t the one about to go into labor and this was a time when it should be all about Kelsey. I do feel so silly that so much was happening to me at such an important time, but unfortunately that’s always been my reality dealing with chronic pain and a chronic illness. It decides to show its ugly face at the worst times. However, Kelsey is one tough cookie. Besides the belly, you honestly would never have known she was pregnant or in labor.
I immediately set up my heating pad and blankets while the nurses hooked Kelsey up to monitors and IV. Through the first night I helped Kelsey get through the horrible back labor pain by laying down for a few minutes and getting back up to help her in intervals. They wouldn’t provide anything for me, not even a bottle of water so I had to take pain medication on granola bars I brought the entire time we were at the hospital.
Kelsey was so amazing. She managed to go 12 hours before she finally needed the epidural. I don’t know how she did it. Alaina June-Marie was born after 19 hours of labor and I got to participate in the entire thing. I’m a bit traumatized from what I witnessed LOL but it was amazing. Women are truly made amazing. I will never forget it.
One of the nurses who delivered the baby happened to be one that I had a really bad experience with on my last stay. It was interesting because I told her she had been my nurse. She seemed worried and kept asking me if she was good to me. She said it was a dark time in her life when she was my nurse. I didn’t tell her what happened but again it felt kalmost like divine intervention. My interaction with her back in 2019 has always stayed with me because it was so bad. Now here she was giving me closure without even knowing it.
The next couple of days we had to stay on a different floor and it happened to be the one I last stayed on back in 2019 for my last hospital stay. I did my best to get through it. I woke up with nightmares and sweats those nights but I made it through by focusing on Alaina and Kelsey. Even once we were home I woke up out of breath thinking I was in the hospital, but I made it!
Final Thoughts
Despite the horrific back pain, IBD flare-up, and episodes of PTSD, I had made it through our child’s birth and even participated in the entire thing.
I hope this gives you hope if you have PTSD or are dealing with health problems like me. You’re stronger than you think and you deserve a great life. You deserve to live, despite your illnesses. I learned that on that night, and so much more since then.
I hope you’ve enjoyed these two articles. I know they’re late, but they’re a big part of my journey to the present and I wanted to share.
Until next time, stay motivated and keep shooting.
What a crappy healthcare system but a wonderful event and amazing photographs. Happy u got to be a part despite everything. And yes we’re stronger when we need to be ❤️
Yea the healthcare system is disgusting. Thank you I’m glad you like the pics. I spent so much time planning what I was going to bring to shoot with lol
wow, how good where you!; I have Autism, so feel all that anxiety with you, for me it was needles,
I got a few hospital stays as a kid (heat set off a kind of Epileptic convulsion, so I took Tegretol till I was 15); and also some other things, but I get it, Invisible Disability (what chronic pain conditions are under); you can’t see (your brain works differently, senses differently, or has pain), so the ‘medical fraternity’ has trouble sympathising with you, Adapting to YOUR needs, or just a simple, ‘are you OK’ and a chat. and thats mild, I have heard about CF-S \ ME and they have sensitivity 30X worse than us, can’t even get out of bed most times, or when they do, take weeks to recover, so I sympathise, and for your inner photographer to do those fantastic, sharp, shots whilst enduring all that… WOW, what a champion, have a great 2025 and hope to see more posts, videos and photos from the Rollieflex.
Thank you. I appreciate it.